What in the name of Guthy-Renker goes on in the wee hours of the broadcast day?

Crazy English guys with, as Dennis Miller says, the secret to cleaning anything on the face of the earth except their own teeth. The keys to wealth-building and financial security. A way to cut hair with your Hoover. Infomercials have it all.

If you like my choices, keep scrolling and more will appear on your screen.

If you don’t like it for any reason, even if it is your fault, I’ll refund your purchase price (less shipping and handling). But you can keep the Roasting Gloves, the tube of ProActiv Solution and the designer handbag as your gifts for trying this list.

My top 10:

1. Don LaPre’s tiny little classified ad scheme – A much sounder scheme than the chain-letter-style Greatest Vitamin in the World program, but who didn’t believe they could get out of their tiny, one-bedroom apartment merely by advertising 900 numbers? Also, bonus points for guest host Cindy Margolis.

2. Magic Bullet food processor. Exquisite frozen drinks, fetuccini alfredo, three different kinds of muffins, an omlette made with leftovers from the fridge and guacamole in just three seconds? All my food can have the same consistency? Shoot me, I’ve gone to video Valhalla.

3. Esteban’s American Legacy Guitar: Every time I see this sunglassed superstar, I am convinced that I also must share my gift of music with the world. Fortunately, this feeling goes away by morning.

4. Girls gone Wild video series. Viewing tip: Keep the remote’s preset History Channel button handy!

5. Miracle Blade III Performance Series knife set with Chef Tony – the undsiputed master slicer and dicer. Ron Popeil has offered a nice array of knives, but the technological advances (courtesy of that weird knifemaker Tony visits in the Wisconsin woods) make these sharpies keepers. And, it can fit the bill to take care of what its sales pitch indicates must be the No. 1 kitchen procedure: “So sharp, you can cut a pineapple in mid air!!!”

6. Midwest Center for Depression and Anxiety. After hearing all the symptoms, I was ready to make a self-diagnosis. No wonder I’m watching so much late-night TV! Bonus: Montage of Hillary Clinton-like hairstyle changes of founder Lucinda Basset’s appearances on Donahue, Montel, etc.

7. Ron Popeil’s GLH (Great Looking Hair) bald-spot cover-up spray. When the host spritzed his barren dome with the sticky spray, he plugged up problems for baldies everywhere, while perhaps gushing greenhouse gases. It’s a small price to pay, aside from a slight residue on your pillow in the morning.

8. “Trend Trading to Win” with Michael Parness: By spotting trends and placing orders after the market closes for the start of the next day... I’ve said too much. As he says: “Michael ‘Waxie’ Parness went from homeless and living on the street to owning the $treet.” Bonus, hosted by Lisa Guerrero. As Waxie says often: “KA-CHINGO!”

9. Ron Popeil’s rotisserie cooker: the part where he dons rubber Barbecue Gloves and pulls lamb off the bone with his fingers and ‘serves’ it on a plate (imagine this with some mint jelly!) makes this a classic.

10. Tom Bosley selling SMC catalog stuff on Ebay. Great behind-the-scenes look at the making of an infomercial. Mr. C's initial skepticism of the program, and final decision to go through as host of the show, struck the right chord. Though, everybody selling the same item on Ebay does not jibe with the unlimited profit potential advertised.

Special mention

- Flo-Bee vacuum haircut system. An oldie, but goodie, it was hosted by a Jeff Foxworthy look alike before the redneck comedian was on the scene. The tube extensions for long-haired victims is worth waiting for.

- Carelton Sheets’ No Money Down real estate wealth building system. The fact that the guy is still on TV and not in an orange jumpsuit proves one thing: He can sell a lot of books and tapes.

- Billy May (he of the Hercules Hook) and the magic of Oxy Clean (aka OxiClean). Finally, a remedy for getting all those iodine stains out of your dress shirts. Props for the great follow up piece on Orange Glo cleaner.

- The Scuncii Home Steam Cleaner. This product sold itself with its fun-to-say name. Try saying it without smiling: “SCOON-chi.” You can’t! This product must have caused a spike in bathroom relamation projects: the trip to the junkyard to find the dirtiest toilet seat and sink. One pass of the hot wand and voila! Good as new!

- John Beck and the “Free and Clear” real estate system. Secrets to buying homes for $120.23 and selling them 10 seconds later for $72,000? Where do I sign up? A follow-up question: Why would you share this information if it really did work as well as you say?

- Music collections: Malt-Shop Memories, Sixties collection, 70s Music Explosion with Greg Brady and a co-host who was not alive then, but pretends to remember the decade. Botox hosts abound!

- Tony Robbins: With your help, oh, gleaming-toothed master, I too can walk on fire at my corporate outing.

- Richard Simmons Deal-A-Meal. Never before was eating according to the four food groups so inspirational.

- Jack Lalane’s Power Juicer: Kumquats, tomatoes, celery, lettuce, apples, tuna fish. Just toss anything you can find: it’s all drinkably delicious in juice form!

- Food saver: Suction strong enough to crush an aluminum pop can. Thank goodness technology has bestowed us with something that powerful.

- How to start your own Quizno’s franchise: They do all the advertising, you just open the doors and rake in the dough, after you bake it and stuff it with savory meats, tangy cheese and crisp vegetables. And wash your hands first, please.

- Exercise equipment: Ab Lounge, Thigh Master, Ab Rocket, Bowflex, Winsor Pilates, Tae-Bo with Billy Blanks, Category highlight: Gazelle with Tony Little. Just try and stop him once he’s gazelling: You can’t!